


Todd's Impact

by Myriad_Nice



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Character Death, alludes to previous relationships, somewhat of a character analysis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 20:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2123163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myriad_Nice/pseuds/Myriad_Nice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A conversation between Todd and Charlie post-Neil's suicide about their differing relationships with the same guy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Todd's Impact

Todd and Charlie were very different. Charlie was bold and unimpressive while Todd was timid and shone in his highest moments. Charlie was dominant and domineering while Todd was happy to be along for the ride. But they were similar in the fact they loved Neil… But still, Todd and Charlie were very different.

On one particularly chilly night they sat in opposite corners of the bedroom, Charlie hovering near Neil's bed and the door while Todd sat silently on his bed, knees pulled tight to his chest. It was quiet as Charlie figured what he could say that wouldn't involve Neil, or at least something that wouldn't make him break down three minutes later. Neil had died recently and neither them had been taking it well, they were similar in that nature, too.

"You know, it's funny…" Charlie started off, a bitter laugh biting through his words, "He changed when you showed up."

Neil wasn't so hard to bring up after all.

Todd peered at him over his knees, a questioning look creasing his eyebrows. His eyes were red and visibly aching; something that came with grief and tears. "What do you mean?"

"Something in his eyes softened," Charlie remarked, staring almost coldly at the lifeless cigarette between his fingers.

Todd sat silently, heart picking up pace. He squeezed his eyes shut and wished away the feelings that brought Neil back; that made him live again. Even if only in his mind. His denial had been so ready for the past few weeks that he was finally getting to the point where he could maybe handle thinking about him without getting the overwhelming urge to vomit.

"Why are you telling me this?" Todd asked, a slight hiccup breaking through his words. The boys knew he didn't want to talk about Neil, so they hardly brought it up. But here was Charlie at 9 p.m. telling him all the bullshit he never once wanted to hear.

He twirled the tobacco in his finger, keeping himself distracted as he said calmly, "I knew you guys were dating."

Todd's heart rate picked up even more as his eyes widened almost comically. His fingers gripped tightly onto his knees as he attempted to remain in control of his breathing while Charlie eyed him from across the room with a steady heart beat and loose fingers. Charlie twirled the death stick carelessly between his fingers as Todd tried desperately to keep everything together. The vomit seeming to rise in his upset stomach… How many others knew?

When Todd didn't respond and seemed okay enough, Charlie continued, walking forward enough so that he passed by Neil's desk and went to his bed, pressing a hand against the brass railing and gripping onto it lightly. He spoke softly, almost like a confession, "Before you came, Neil and I were together. Not together. But together enough… I don't know if he ever told you."

"He didn't," Todd spoke, his voice cracking.

"We were actually together that summer before… He stayed at my place for two weeks because my folks don't give a fuck. It was the best two weeks of my life. We stayed up talking about our shit parents and our shit lives and then we'd just kiss until it all melted away. Every single last bit of it and all we had was each other and we forgot our shitty existence until we woke up the next morning. Then it started all over again…" Charlie squeezed the metal between his hand as if the memories had suddenly become too much for him. He let out a shaky breath a moment later, Todd's eyes glued to his movements. He saw the veins push against the skin over the back of his hand and the way his neck twitched with false calm while Charlie only saw white and Neil.

"Sometimes when he held me… He would talk about this future he envisioned for us…" Charlie released the bar and became more thoughtful in his tone, softening. "That one day we would get hitched and we'd skip town. That he wouldn't go to med school and I wouldn't become a banker. We'd just fish and do nothing but live our miserable lives out together."

Charlie scoffed then, a brash, abrupt sound that contradicted his tone. His eyes lowered and slanted slightly as he said with an unbelieving scoff, "But I guess that's all gone to shit."

At first Todd thought he was saying that simply because Neil had died. If Neil was dead, that would easily put a stop to their plans for the future. But Todd was beginning to get the sinking suspicion as he sniffled quietly into his sweater sleeves that Charlie was blaming him more than Neil.

"We didn't start going out right away," Todd spoke after a charged silence had fallen over the room.

"Before or after the first meeting?" Charlie demanded.

"After."

"Before or after Neil's performance?" Charlie demanded once again, an accusing look in his eye.

"Before."

Charlie nodded along, leaning against the end of the bed so that he could look at Todd for the first time. He took in his shrunken appearance with a hardened eye, trying to size up the crumpled boy that took one of his best friends from him. As he took in the runny nose and exhausted eyes, he noticed just how broken he was. Charlie's eyes softened slowly, moving back to the floor and away from Todd.

"He loved you."

"I know."

"Did he tell you?" Charlie asked suddenly, his head snapping up to make eye contact with Todd, an unknown question burning behind his eyes.

"Yes," Todd admitted, a small smile escaping his chapped lips, spreading the dry material even thinner.

Charlie bobbed his head for a moment before said non-committedly, "He never told me that he loved me. Not once in two years.."

There wasn't any malice or regret in his voice, but rather undertones of thought and consideration. The idea of it made Todd's stomach curl and caused him to wrap tighter into his knees. He felt bad for taking away Charlie's world and making it his. He felt for guilty for being loved by the boy that Charlie had tried so earnestly to love and be loved by. He felt bad for being loved, something that Charlie probably needed more than him.

"But you know he did," Todd spoke quietly, infiltrating Charlie's reflection on the past few years.

"No… Not the way that I wanted him to. Hell, I don't even know if I really ever wanted him like that," Charlie rambled, confusion and frustration sweeping through his actions as the roles between he and Todd seemed to switch; Todd becoming calm and reflective while Charlie's eyebrows became creased and his thoughts jumbled.

"It's okay to not know, Charlie-" Todd spoke, but was soon cut off by an outburst.

"I KNOW it's okay. I know! I just…

"I miss him, Todd."

"I miss him, too."

Charlie looked at him, an apology written all over his face, welling up in his muddy irises. He seemed to be pleading for forgiveness for the past hour, for the past couple of months, for the night's conversation. Silently, Todd uncurled an arm and he nodded his head, letting Charlie know that all was well between them. There was no need to let a boy come between them, even if he happened to be dead and once their best friend.

He held out his unfurled hand then, reaching out towards Dalton with a melancholy kind of smile, the past few weeks wearing his face thin. He hadn't eaten much because he would just turn around to throw it back up and it was getting harder and harder to sleep. Charlie had bags under his eyes and his once neatly combed hair was left disheveled and placed sloppily to one side. His eyes flickered with a question that Todd was giving him the answer to as he pulled out another cigarette from his jacket pocket and placed it into Todd's outstretched hand.

Soon after he produced a matchbox and struck a match, strong and sharp so that it sparked before even leaving the pad. He touched the fire to his own cigarette before leaning over and lighting Todd's. Large plumes of smoke billowed to the top of the ceiling as the boys took lengthy drags. It was the first time since the beginning of the school that smoke was in their dorm room. Memories of the first day of school with Neil flooded into both of their minds, leaving Charlie with a bitter taste and Todd with a deepened frown. Neither one thought to open the window, allowing the smoke to build in the room. Todd began to get numb as he felt his eyes close as he pressed the white stick to his lips, taking a particularly long drag. He let the memory of Neil flee from his mouth with the smoke, an untold story circling towards the ceiling with each spindle. Charlie observed him with a watchful eye, mimicking the motions moments later. Soon the room was filled with Neil and it encompassed every surface of the room. He sunk into Charlie's clothes and Todd's books. To the average person it would smell like smoke from a cheap drug store cigarette, but to them it was the essence of Neil and their shared memories of him. Together, for the first time in a while, the two felt truly connected..


End file.
